Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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