3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
