oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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