I'm so fucking centered right now
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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