The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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