Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
