U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
