Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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