Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
