I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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