Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
