Sry I called you an 8
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
