My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
