my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
