I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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