My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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