Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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