I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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