how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
