I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
