Pants 0. Shit 1.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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