And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
