So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
