he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
