some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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