I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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