I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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