I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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