I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
