People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
