Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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