I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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