So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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