You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
