if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
