im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
