So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you never un-have a 4some
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
