when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
