You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
