Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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