I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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