I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
