So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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