I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
