its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
