just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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