My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
