what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
