The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
