feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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